Distant

Today is not a good day! For one I only got 4 hours of sleep cause I couldn't fall asleep until almost 8:00 this morning. Then I only slept until about 12:00! I was at my BFs house from 7:00 this morning to when I woke up. Then he decides he wants to do something with his friend and asked me what I wanted to do. If I wanted to go with or stay at his place. But I can tell when im not wanted around! And there was no way I was gonna stay at his place being lonely only for him to call me and say that he would be a while so I should just go home... So I said that I will just go home then. Of course he was like "Why are you being this way?"

What way???

He always says that when I get a little disappointed that he doesn't want me around. I mean he would be mad if I didn't want to be with him or had other plans! So I left with out barely saying goodbye and I stormed away. Of course right away tears just started streaming down my face! Im such an emotional wreck! I cry about every little thing now and I hate that! And to top that all off it was raining! God the rain has been just coming down lately! I hate that too! Ugh I get so disappointed sometimes. Lately it's like he doesn't even want me around anymore! Like ok, I barely saw him this past weekend. I spent the night on Sunday but he had to work at 6:00 in the morning on Monday. (He works like the whole day too!) Then Monday night he called me when he got off at like 10:00 and I spent the night. Well then Tuesday he worked again and then he didn't call me until like 2:00 in the morning to come over and of course I did but then he had to work at 6am on Wednesday. So thats only like 4 hours together! Then Wednesday night he gets off early but goes to a party! (Didn't even invite me! :-/) and then he calls me to come over at like 12:00 but when I get there he fell asleep!!! I went all the way there for NO reason! So I came all the way home and just stayed up the whole night until I went to his house at like 7am(Like I said before)..... So thats like no time at all!!! UGH!!! Oh well here he is finally calling me JUST now! (Only when he needs me of course!) GTG

Tonight Sucks!!!

Why you ask? Well i was so bored waiting for my BF to finally call me after his little party he went to! Then when he calls and says come over I said I wus on my way but it took me like 20 minutes to get my stuff together. So then I leave 20 minutes later and get there and when I call him he doesn't answer!!! He fell asleep in 20 minutes?! WTF??? And to top it off my period stopped for the whole day and then suddenly it comes back really heavy! Well i was totally not prepared for that!!! Sorry if thats TMI lol but ugh my night sucks!!! :( AND... i cried for all that too! Ugh!

Motherhood Survey- Not really a "blog" but oh well! :)

The mommy survey going around.

Share

Monday, February 9, 2009 at 12:37pm

Here you go mommies - a different kind of survey for a change - it's all about your first born! Just copy and paste it in a new note for yourself!

1. WAS YOUR PREGNANCY PLANNED?
not at all

2. WERE YOU MARRIED AT THE TIME?
nope

3. WHAT WERE YOUR REACTIONS?
excited and scared

4. WAS ABORTION AN OPTION FOR YOU?
no way!!!

5. HOW OLD WERE YOU?
21

6. HOW DID YOU FIND OUT YOU WERE PREGNANT?
didn't get a period for a whole month, sore breasts, i became an eating machine!!!

7. WHO DID YOU TELL FIRST?
Adrian

8. DID YOU WANT TO FIND OUT THE SEX?
yes i couldn't wait!!!

9. DUE DATE?
11-9-2009

10. DID YOU HAVE MORNING SICKNESS?
never

11. WHAT DID YOU CRAVE?
orange soda, anything sweet!

12. WHAT IRRITATED YOU?
everything!!!

13. WHAT WAS YOUR FIRST CHILD'S SEX?
boy!

14. DID YOU WISH YOU HAD THE OPPOSITE SEX OF WHAT YOU WERE GETTING?
nope I loved the idea of having a boy!!! :)

15. HOW MANY POUNDS DID YOU GAIN THROUGHOUT THE PREGNANCY?
15 lbs.

16. DID YOU HAVE A BABY SHOWER?
didn't get a chance to! :(

17. WAS IT A SURPRISE OR DID YOU KNOW?
...

18. DID YOU HAVE ANY COMPLICATIONS DURING YOUR PREGNANCY?
NONE!!! ...except going into early labor with no known cause!! :(

19. WHERE DID YOU GIVE BIRTH?
united

20. HOW MANY HOURS WERE YOU IN LABOR?
no hours

21. WHO DROVE YOU TO THE HOSPITAL?
the ambulance

22. WHO WATCHED YOU GIVE BIRTH?
Adrian and my mom

23. WAS IT NATURAL OR C-SECTION?
natural

24. DID YOU TAKE MEDICINE TO EASE THE PAIN?
nope... there wasn't really any pain, it happened all so fast!

25. How much did your child weigh?
1 lb. 4.2 ounces

28. WHEN WAS YOUR CHILD ACTUALLY BORN?
7-14-2009

30. WHAT DID YOU NAME HIM/HER?
Jesus Alejandro Giovanni Bauer

Definitely AF!

Well today the bleeding is HEAVY just like it used to be before I was pregnant! Ugh I wish it wasn't lol Well this is definitely AF! Well im praying that it will at least be shorter in length this time around! Well that was kind of bittersweet! At least I can start being "normal" again!

AF or Implantation Bleeding? dum da dum... :-/

So it's been 4 weeks and 5 days since I lost Jesus.

I had my first doc appt. on the 12th. We talked about birth control and that I would be doing "The Patch". She asked if AF came yet and I said no. She asked if me and my BF have DTD and I said yes and that it was unprotected(I know, not that smart)... She said well since you have DTD, if you see any bleeding make sure your not prego before you start "The Patch"! Since sometimes you can have implantation bleeding and whatnot. She also discussed how it would be too early to get pregnant again for healing reasons.

My AF before pregnancy was always HEAVY and even started out that way. So with all that said, I noticed blood but it was very light. I was confused why it was so light so I went to the store and bought a pregnancy test "just in case". Well I took that and it said negative. (I was kinda disappointed, but knew it was best that I wasn't.)

But I was still wondering why it was so light cause that wasn't normal for me! I guess I will never know. Hmmm...

Jesus would be 1 month old today :( ...Just a little venting needs to be done...

So today is the 1 month anniversary since my son Jesus went to heaven. I was hoping it would be an ok day and that I could get through it just fine. I also thought I would do something special like buy fresh new flowers or release a balloon or something special.

Well my day totally went un-according to plans, as usual! My boyfriend got mad cause I wouldn't let him borrow a couple bucks to buy beer. So he told me to drop him off at his grandpas and to call him when im "not acting like this". Well umm kinda hard when you don't have your phone connected honey. So I told him to call me since he was the one thats mad... Well no call yet and it's almost 11:00! Well that was a bad start to my day! Before all that happened, my mom wanted me to go to the fair with my brother and her. So since my boyfriend was being dumb I thought "Oh going to the fair should make my bad day a little more fun and I will forget about being sad." Well as soon as I get home she says that plans have changed and we are going to the fair tomorrow and so today they were going fishing with my moms friend and her son later on. Well that sure bursted my bubble! We also had plans to go to a family birthday party for a little bit until they were going to go fishing. So we went to the party (for little kids) and stayed there a couple hours. That wasn't the funnest time in the world. So the whole time I was pretty distant and just in thinking mode... On top of that my boyfriend still didn't call and I was wondering if it would still be light enough to go to the cemetery and do the special thing I picked out for Jesus. Well my mom never mentioned anything about him or that we should go since it's been 1 month! I didn't want to be a bother so I just kept my mouth shut. Then after the party we came home and they got ready to leave to go fishing. My mom asked me to go to Fleet Farm and pick up kitty litter and I agreed. Well, I get there and of course with my luck it's already closed! And it was only 9:30, I thought they closed at 10:00! Well that was a waste of a drive, a waste of gas, and a waste of my boring time! Ugh I was so pissed off. So I made my way to the cemetery in the dark. When I got there I went over to his grave and saw that they had finally put down the grass thing. I thought that was a nice little anniversary present for him. But where was mine?

It was dark, I was all alone with no fresh flowers for him and no balloons to set free for him. I just kneeled down and balled my eyes out. I promised him I would do something special and I didn't get to do that! On top of that I was the only one to visit him today, the only one to sing to him today and the only one that cried for him today. No one asked to go with me, no one suggested we should go, and no one came with me. I was all alone talking to a body in the ground that I will never get to hold, never get to watch grow up or say first words or take first steps or even see first smiles. I am just a BIG LONELY MESS today!! No one is here to comfort me. Where is my boyfriend when I need him the most? Where is my family when I need them? They are all out on this friday night probably having a great time, while I'm sitting here all alone writing this journal of my bad boring day with tears streaming down my face. When will the pain go away? It's not fair! I hate suffering! They say it's supposed to make you stronger. Well it sure as hell don't make me feel any stronger!

I want my baby back in my stomach where he is supposed to be! I would be in my 3rd trimester by now! I miss him soo much!

Finally I wrote a poem for my angel baby...VERY LONG POEM!

Jesús’ Story

Part 1
The test said “pregnant”
And I was shocked
“Could this be true?”
I sat and thought.

I told your daddy and
He was shocked too
He sat and thought
“What should we do?”

Abortion was NOT an option
Adoption would not do
We decided we would keep you
‘Cause your life mattered too!

I knew that I would love you
Right from the very start
Especially at the first ultrasound
When I saw that beating heart.

My belly kept on growing
And you kept growing too
I anticipated ultrasounds
To see how BIG you grew.

The cravings kept on coming
It’s like they would not stop
My favorite thing of all
Was my orange soda pop.

The first time I felt you kick
It was like a sonic boom
My belly just expanded
When you kicked inside my womb.

The blood tests came out negative
You were as healthy as can be
You got all of your nutrients
Because you were inside me.

I always had dreams that
You were a boy right from the start
It must have been mothers intuition
‘Cause I felt it in my heart.

The day of the “BIG” ultrasound
I was relieved just to see
Your little baby bottom
And also your little “wee-wee”.

As soon as I found out
That you were a boy
I went crazy shopping for blue
As I was filled with joy.

I went and bought
Everything that you would need
The cart filled up
With so much speed.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Part 2
The days were moving faster
A little past halfway pregnant I was
When something terrible happened
That made me stop and pause.

The ambulance was called
And they came real soon
I was put on the stretcher and was
Took to the hospital under the moon.

Once I was in the room for me
We waited for the doc
The nurse checked all my vitals
As I watched the hands on the clock.

His heartbeat was so normal
Why wouldn’t the bleeding stop?
They said it would all be fine
But I kept on worrying nonstop.

They gave me some kind of medicine
So labor wouldn’t start
It made me really irritated
It felt like I was falling apart.

Unexpectedly it happened
Without any warning
I went into labor with you
When you were just fine this morning!

It was all a big disaster
It happened all so fast
I didn’t even get to see you
When you had already passed.

You are our angel baby
We will always love you
I wish things had went differently
You were gone before we knew.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This poem was written in loving memory of…
Jesús Alejandro Giovanni Bauer
July 14th, 2009-July 14th, 2009
12:50pm-1:01pm


(c) Jessica Bauer